One and having fun!

Your new favorite word is "art." You've been my museum buddy since you were 10 months old, but now you actually say what you love to look at so much. You're drawn to vibrant colors and beautiful shapes, pictures of people. I point and say, "look at all the pretty colors." You’ll nod your head, squint your eyes and scrunch your nose up in agreement. You’re also walking now. Or should I say running. This has been going on for a month or so now. I was blessed enough to be right there with you when you took  your first steps. You enjoy dancing and although you can’t fully talk, you’ll sing along with “na-na-na’s” to the tune of whatever song is on. We need to get in the pool more now that it’s summer. You love playing in the water (even if it’s the cat’s). We’re planning a trip to San Diego soon. I want to show you as much culture as I can from an early age. You’re already quite the jet setter. You’ve flown through Texas, to Florida for our family vacation to the Gulf of Mexico and a couple areas of Orlando and to San Francisco where you enjoyed SFMOMA and Haight-Ashbury with me. Can’t wait to see what this next year brings for us. Excited for the future.

Yours,
Mama

Where does the time go?

Your first birthday is approaching and I can hardly believe you're almost one. You've been crawling for some time now; you slide your leg under your body and scoot almost crab like. It's one of the funny things that make you uniquely you. You've started standing without help and sometimes you take a step or two. You're my only baby who didn't walk at ten months, but I have a feeling you're coming close. Yesterday we went to a birthday party; you were so sweet. You're such a social little girl. You say "hai" and wave to everyone. Old, young, short, tall, it doesn't matter, you just want to be friends. Everything, from your smile to the way you dance just because, captivates people. Right now you're roaming around our dining room, making helicopter noises, as happy as can be. You really light up my life. I love you.

Yours,
Mama

heartburn city

I've been up all night. Resting on the lovely combo of mint tea/vanilla cream and Hemingway to put me down. The tums have ran out and my midday nap isn't helping. Plus I've got a lot on my mind. Mainly Chanel and when she'll be ready to come. She's moved her way down and is applying mounds of pressure on my bone. My body's tired, too bad my mind isn't because I'd like to sleep when everyone is asleep. Until then, it's 1920's Paris nightlife and the soothing warmth of the tea I just drank coating my belly.

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It's like I've been in labor for the last 6 days. I can feel my body preparing itself for delivery. I don't know if it's because I'm 7 years older than the last time I was pregnant, or maybe I forgot some of what this feels like, or possibly this pregnancy is unique, but the end of this pregnancy is so much more intense on my body than the last two pregnancies. I'm ready to push for the last time and feel her entering the world, as one journey ends and another one begins. I've been thinking a lot about her birth and what it means to be a mother. The responsibility. The love. The sacrifice. The joy. And I just can't wait to be her mother.

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Still Pregnant.

Went to the doctor this morning - BP was 110/70, which is good. My cervix is dilated to 3, but I'm only about 50% effaced, which made it difficult for the doctor to access and scrap the mucous membrane. The left hip has been giving me almost unbearable pain, but it's not enough of a reason to send me to the hospital. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday, approaching 39 weeks, where we'll make plans for induction. In about 8 more days Chanel will be here, if she doesn't come on her own before then. I sit in my rocking chair, and stare at her crib, where she'll soon be. I look at her mobile hanging over it and imagine a teeny-tiny baby looking towards the rotating butterflies, as she listens to a soft soothing lullaby for the first time. All the preparations I've made for her, the love put into ensuring she arrives into a world where she has everything she needs. The long nights we'll have, the moments of knowing I created something amazing, the blessed feeling I'll have when I see her...it's all about to be here.

Anxiously awaiting this next week...

Update!

Lots has happened since my last post. Over a week ago, the doctor confirmed that I'm not just borderline Pre-eclampsia, but I indeed have the disease. Since then, I've been on watch for potential induction, with four visits to the doctor (two in one day) and one to the hospital. Even though all the Pre-eclampsia symptoms were present...high blood pressure, excessive swelling, protein in the urine (which indicates a rise in liver enzyme levels), a headache incurable by Tylenol and visual disturbances (flashing, spotted light), the blood test reported the liver and kidneys weren't "that bad yet." And since I was two days shy of 37 weeks, we decided to wait on inducing. I guess we wait for my organs to get worse, or wait for 39 weeks when the doctor can safely induce me (which is about 9 days from now) - or alternatively, maybe the baby will just come on her own.

Over the weekend, I rested - read a lot, lounged a lot, laid in bed a lot...I wasn't feeling too great, so naturally, Monday's doctor's visit would confirm that the Pre-eclampsia had gotten worse. But I guess all the resting did me good because my blood pressure was surprisingly low. Not that I wanted it to be high, but I had anticipated being induced and when I found out I wasn't going to be (not that day anyway) I was a little disappointed. But when the doctor checked my cervix, to my surprise, I went from a fingertip dilated to over two, practically three centimeters dilated in just four days. With my first pregnancy, I was three centimeters dilated, and in the hospital with an epidural. How was I now really walking around that "open?" Maybe labor was closer than I thought.

All Monday I began to feel bouts of pressure on my vaginal bone, which only added to the bruising feeling I've had over the last several weeks. The pressure was paired with dull aches in my lower back, tightness in my spine and occasional sharp stabbing sensations through my hips. I began to feel incredibly nauseated. Could I be in labor? That night, I slept sitting up in a chair, my feet and legs stretched out onto an ottoman, eventually going numb. I could feel my hips spreading, loosening, preparing for Chanel's arrival.

Nickel size chunks of brown tinged mucous and or clear pieces with blood began to excrete themselves from my vagina. This carried through Tuesday and seemed to only make my hips feel more tender and out of place. But no baby. I decided to go to the chiropractor for a thirty minute massage and adjustment (anything to band-aide the pain). It helped, for maybe an hour and then back to the stabbing hip sensations that left me unable to walk without loudly vocalizing the pain, as I held onto doorways, furniture and walls, just to make it to my frequent bathroom visits, which weren't only a representation of my nine month pregnant bladder, but now accompanied loose stools.

It's Wednesday, and my water is still intact. I'm bruised, have limited circulation, pain throughout my entire body, random heartburn and I've now mastered the ability to waddle - not even because I'm nine months pregnant and have a watermelon sized stomach, but because my hips are on the verge of breaking and it's the only logical way (ha) to get around without completely killing them.

I go to the doctor tomorrow, where she's going to "strip my membrane." It may just be the one thing that sends my body into natural labor. How am I looking forward to this? I guess when you can leave impression marks in your swollen legs, that last several seconds, just by slightly applying pressure with your finger, and your skin from your knees to the top of your feet are so tight it feels as though it could rip at any given time, you'd do just about anything to relieve the discomfort...even if it's a few minutes of feeling like your doctor has her hand in your stomach by way of your vagina, as she scraps out the remains of your mucous plug.

Oh joy.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Chanel kicking

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Heart

Six and a half more weeks till your due date. You're about 17 inches, 4 1/2 pounds and growing. The "limited real-estate," I spoke about weeks ago was considerably over exaggerated compared to the available real-estate space now. You're constantly moving around, adjusting your position and even giving a kick or two to my organs or ribs to let me know you're there. In fact, you're kicking me right now. Your kicks are like very strong heart beats. I'm watching my stomach move and it's like watching a cartoon character's heart beating so rapidly that you can see it pounding from outside it's chest. Sometimes, when I'm in meetings, I wonder if anyone else notices you moving. I have 13 more work days before I get to kick my feet up and just wait for you. I'm looking forward to that. It'll give me time to finish preparing for you, do something special with your brother and sister and pack my hospital bag! You're the heart of this family and I know when you arrive you'll be so loved.

I love you,
Mommy

Chanelly, I'm taking you night swimming for your first time. I wonder if my belly with float! Xo

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Braxton Hicks

I don't remember it feeling this bad. I was up all night with braxton hicks. The pain radiating through my spine, the nauseas burn formatting in my stomach and the runs..yep pregnancy is not always dignified. But its my body's way of getting prepared for you, combined with its natural reaction to pain. I don't like the discomfort, but it reminds me that I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy and you'll be here soon, which makes any discomfort or pain I've felt seem insignificant. And since I'm not feeling so hot right now, I have to remember why I'm doing this all, which is to meet you and be your mommy. I love you Chanel.

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It's getting hard to breath

I feel the pressure under my ribs, and I can actually feel you pressing my intestines and stomach and it hurts in an uncomfortable way. The bigger you get, the harder it is to breath. Hopefully you'll change positions soon so I can get some relief. I've been thinking about labor and I'm getting nervous. It's been almost 7 years since I gave birth, and in about 8 weeks, I'll be doing it all over again. There are so many unknowns..like who will be there when you're born, and if I'll be in labor alone, who will watch your brother and sister, and will anyone stay overnight with us in the hospital? Today I went to the doctor. You're doing well, heartbeat strong, head down and growing just like you should be. My blood pressure is low, which is positive when paired with my excessive swelling. Four more weeks until I am able to stop work, unless my blood pressure goes up at all. The doctor said I need to delegate when I'm at home, for my husband to take care of the kids, so I can put my feet up and relieve some of the swelling. I told her that I'm doing this all alone; that that wasn't the intended plan, but that's the way it worked out. She said that's a lot for me, and I agreed. I was laying on the doctor's table, listening to your heartbeat as we spoke. I could feel a surge of emotion rush through my face and tears about to form, but I maintained a steady voice and forcefully stopped myself from crying. I never imagined being completely unsupported, but as I sit today, I am. Me nine years ago, pregnant with your brother, wouldn't be able to handle this. Me today, pregnant with you, is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Tomorrow is my birthday. It's really just another day for me, and more of a dedication to my mother because without her, I wouldn't have your brother, sister or you and I'm incredibly thankful for that. Well, I'm going to feed you and me now.

I love you, Mommy

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History in the making

One of the worst terrorist ever seen in my time is dead; Osama Bin Laden is dead! The world is in an uproar with emotions...American's excited and celebrating...and others around the world preparing themselves for reactions; suicide bombers and possible terrorists revolting. The president is about to speak on TV to give more details. I'm watching history in the making, and you're snuggled away in my tummy with no idea what's going on. I'm thrilled to know that one less evil will be in this world when you're born. I love you, Mommy.

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owwwie

My ribs are officially bruised. With all the activity going on inside of me, I'm not surprised. Chanel, you're going wild in there! And you're getting so big, that every movement feels like a woosh and boom. 7-9 more weeks and I'll be able to hold you and love you up. So excited!

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Where will you go?

Youre getting so big, I'm just not sure how you'll fit in the weeks to come. I feel feet and legs, little elbows and knees and it's as if you could drop out at any moment. It's getting physically harder to carry you, but I've made it this far and I'm 3/4's of the way done, which is that much closer to seeing your little face and feeling your tiny hands grip my finger. Mommy is so lucky to have you.

I love you my girl.

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little one

Morning little one. You slept peacefully last night in my tummy. You seem to still be asleep. Your most active time is about between 9 and 10pm. Yesterday I could feel a foot or elbow on my right side. You're almost 3 pounds now and measure 15 inches. Not too much longer and ill get to hold you in my arms. I love you little Chanelly. Xo

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high blood pressure

I'm a little worried..my blood pressure is very high and usually runs low. I have to go into the Dr Wednesday. Hopefully I can make it another 6 weeks at work...

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Baby shower!

We had your baby shower yesterday. You got a lot of cute little clothes. I spent today folding them all. I'm almost ready for you. I have a few more big items to get. Ten more weeks and you'll be here. Being around all your things gets me so excited. I try to imagine what you'll look like, and invision your brother and sister with you. Their faces light up when we talk about you. I love you more and more each day. Your movement has increased dramatically. Grandma got to feel you for the first time yesterday. She's very excited for you. In fact, she's going to be right there to see you when you make your big entrance into the world. She also plans on taking time off when we bring you home. It's nice to have that extra support. A month and a week and I'll be off work and resting. I could use the rest right now. There aren't enough hours in the day. The weekend never comes fast enough, but always seems to leave so quickly. Well, I better get some rest. I've been going and going and my body is telling me to slow down, so I will. I love you. Good night little girl.

Love,
Mommy

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Heartburn

Heartburn and lots of it. I don't know if it's the three cookies I ate earlier or the emotional upset I've been dealing with all day, but it's something vicious and all I can do is crunch away on TUMS and hope that does the trick.

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a healthy dose of understanding

I've been faced with a lot of life challenges lately. The one thing that comes through over all else, is my ability to stand strong on my own two feet. I hope that I am able to instill the confidence in you, Ethan and Juliana to not only stand strong,but hold your head up high and own who you are, even if others don't understand it. The sort of courage it takes to really be great, can be coupled with judgement from people who simply have a limited understanding of what you're doing in your life. People can be hurtful, but all we can do is show compassion for those who don't have the capability or capacity within themselves to be genuinely open to the world. I love you,
Mommy

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I hope you know that regardless of the circumstances you come into, I love you, I wanted you, and I will never abandon you.

I love you,
Mommy

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